Ice Off!
by You Light The Sky
Summary: In which the Vongola succession is decided through the ultimate snowball fight – Tsuna versus Xanxus! Crack. X27. Oneshot for MayMarlow.


AN: It's 3:27 am and I'm tired and yet I'm hyper because I drank red bull at 8 pm today and I never drink Red Bull and someone stop me from drinking red bull in the evening again. So... I told myself I would spend today writing winter-themed fluffy oneshots. My brain threw this up. I'm sorry, world!

This is dedicated to MayMarlow on AO3. Love you!

 **Ice off!**

 **A KHR Oneshot**

The day of the ring battles, Tsuna wonders if it's too late to run away to Brazil and live his life as a llama herder. For one thing, Brazil is warmer. All year round. Today, in Japan, the middle of winter, when the snow fall is heaviest, not so much.

Here he is, looking up at a long line of bloodthirsty (and terribly attractive) assassins and apparently expected to fight against them and survive. Him. Fourteen year old no-good Tsuna. With about a month of training. Versus an assassin. With who-knows-how-many-years of killing experience.

 _Might as well light myself on fire and serve me with barbeque sauce on a place, I'm deaaaddd,_ Tsuna cries inside.

"What are we waiting for?! Let's get this thing started!" the one with fabulous long hair, Squalo or something, waves his sword around. "I wanna stab someone already!"

"In a moment. The method of battle has not been determined yet," one of the Cervello shrugs.

"What method? We kill each other and the winner gets the rings!" Squalo shouts.

"No. In a formal ceremony such as this, the method of battle will be chosen by the challenged. Sawada Tsunayoshi, what method of battle do you propose for this inheritance competition?"

Tsuna gapes at them.

"Well, Dame-Tsuna?" Reborn taps his foot. "What will it be? Sword fights? A cowboy style duel? Sumo wrestling?"

Nope. Tsuna avoids looking at Reborn and his crazy ideas. "Um…" he looks up nervously at Xanxus and regrets it immediately. Xanxus looks ready to tear everyone apart, including the Cervello, and the clouds, just for existing. Nope. Not looking there.

Ideas. Ideas. Tsuna has _no idea what to chose._ He shivers, trying to wrap his scarf closer around him. If only he didn't have to wear these special mittens, they're not very warm… how are they supposed to fight with all this snow everywhere—

Wait.

"A… a snow ball fight!" Tsuna shouts.

The killing intent in the school yard gets so thick that Tsuna almost chokes.

" _What?!_ " Squalo nearly throws his sword at him. "I can't kill anyone in a _snow ball fight!_ "

"That's because you're an amateur," Bel snorts. "I could do it in one shot."

"It's a _snow ball_ , unless it has a blade in it—oh. Oh right," Squalo starts to smile again.

Bel rolls his eyes.

Okay, Tsuna has to nub that angle right now. " _No weapons!_ Just snow! Um, anyone hit is out. And the last one standing wins for the team? All the rings."

Immediately Xanxus starts laughing. Tsuna's suddenly reminded of hyenas, just before they jump on their prey.

" _All_ the rings? In one go too! Well then, I can't pass up on that opportunity."

"But boss!" Lussaria groans, "Snow is so… childish. Not to mention, I didn't wear the right boots for this."

"It's cheaper," the small one, Mammon, shrugs.

"I wanted to punch things!" the one called Leviathan roars and Tsuna makes a mental note never to go near that man.

" _Shut up, you trash!"_ Xanxus shoots a hole in Lussaria's sleeve. Rude. "We're gonna snow fight this trash to the death and then we can kill 'em later. Let's just get the rings!"

"Very well. Since we're all in agreement…" the Cervello nod.

" _Wait!_ " Ryohei shouts. "We need to have a team huddle! For about… two minutes! Real quick! It won't be long!"

"I'm going to crush his face first," Lussaria says casually. Then downs another cup of coffee.

Ryohei, bless him, doesn't even twitch.

"…Two minutes before we start then," the Cervello concede.

Ryohei drags Yamamoto and Tsuna into a group huddle far away from the school building.

"Are you extremely sure about this, Tsuna?! We don't have enough people on our team! Gokudera's late and who knows where Hibari is. It's just you, me, Yamamoto and the baby!" Ryohei points out.

"Fool. I'm worth a thousand hitmen," Reborn scowls. Phew, for a moment, Tsuna thought Reborn wasn't going to partici— "But I'm not allowed to participate." Damn it.

"You don't need Gokudera, Tsuna. I'll protect you," Yamamoto grins, "I'm sure I'll be good at this. It's like baseball!"

"…Yamamoto, snowball fights are nothing like baseball."

"Sure they are! You hit things with a bat!"

"…Never mind." That could work. It'll probably work, it's Yamamoto after all. "I hope Gokudera's okay though, it's not like him to be late…"

"Maybe he got hit by a car."

"What?!"

"Ryohei-sempai's just joking, Tsuna. Gokudera's smarter than that! Maybe he got held up by the bus!" Yamamoto assures him.

"Doubtful," Reborn cut in. "He probably got eliminated by Shamal for being too weak."

Can Tsuna faint now? He really wants to faint now.

"Besides, don't worry about numbers. Lambo is going to be your lightning guardian."

"Oh thank goodness… _wait, did you say Lambo?! As in TODDLER Lambo?!_ "

"Maybe I'll recruit I-Pin and Bianchi too, just to make the numbers even. There they are. Yo! Bianchi! I-Pin! Get Lambo over here, we're having a snow ball fight!"

" _Reborn, I swear, if you bring children into this, I don't care how cute and evil you are, I will murder you—_ "

"Your time is up! We will begin the snow ball fight! The last person standing will gain all the rings!" the Cervello say at the same time. "Weapons are not permitted against the other but flame powers are permitted. Begin!"

The next thing Tsuna knows, the entire school becomes a giant snow-dome.

Great. If Tsuna doesn't get pummeled by the deadliest snowballs in existence, he'll probably get trapped and freeze to death in a hideous mafia-made igloo.

0

How is Tsuna still alive?!

Seconds after the snow dome closed around them, Tsuna had to light his HDW mode so their team would have light to see in the darkness. Then the snow came.

Immediately Lambo was out of commission and he _vanished_ out of the snow globe, what kind of witchcraft is _that_ and then, Bianchi, Yamamoto, I-pin and Ryohei began their attack back. Tsuna could barely see through all the shouts. Waves and tsunamis of snow came crashing towards them.

Tsuna remembers a lot of yelling and shouting and flying away to dodge barrages of snowballs. He thinks he saw Yamamoto take Squalo out with two snowballs to the face before Bel got Yamamoto in the back. Ryohei shouted something about revenge and that was the last Tsuna saw of Bel.

Another barrage of white and cold came after that. Tsuna did his best to shield his teammates with fire but he could only do so much.

It's too quiet now. Tsuna wonders if he's the only one left.

Silly. If he was… they'd let him out… Right?

Why oh why is it so _dark_.

He hears someone move behind him. Tsuna kicks snow behind him and then bolts for the school building, that'll give him cover.

" _Oh no, you don't, Trash!_ "

"Eeeeeek!" Tsuna narrowly dodges twenty icicles aimed for his head. "H-hey!" Tsuna ducks again. "N-no. W-weapons!"

Xanxus looms over Tsuna, his smile sharp like broken knives. "This ain't a weapon. Just another form of snow."

Well shit.

Tsuna throws up as many flames as he can and dives behind a tree for cover.

Said tree gets cut in half with Xanxus's flames and Tsuna cries. Honestly, he cries.

"Stay. Still. Damn. Trash!" Xanxus hurls another icicle (where is he _getting these things_ ) at Tsuna's throat.

"Can't we," dodge, "talk about," jump, "this?!"

" _Hell_ ," throw, " _no_ ," stab, " _damn_ ," throw, " _stupid_ ," hurtle, " _trash!_ "

This man needs a thesaurus, Tsuna thinks hysterically.

And then, because the universe hates him, he sees Xanxus standing beneath an icicle large enough to skewer an elephant. The icicle cracks, rushing down, down, down—

" _Look out!_ "

0

"What. The. Fuck."

Xanxus glares up at Tsuna, who can't let go. Or look away. Or get up. They're practically encased in ice together, with only their heads free, stuck in an embarrassing lover's embrace, while the icicle of death hovers above them, swallowed by the random ice.

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry, Ididn'tknowIhadicepowers. Whyisthishappeningtome?!"

Xanxus nearly bites Tsuna's nose off. Something unfamiliar sparks in his eyes. Something other than murder. Tsuna's betting on murder's cousin, torture. "How do you have the first's _zero breakthrough_ abilities?! You're just a dumb Japanese hick! You can't even throw snow at your enemies!"

"Um…?"

"And you _saved_ me?! Did you lose your brain?! I'm _trying to kill you_. I could have handled that myself!"

"Well I—"

"Hurry up and melt this ice so I can kill you already!"

"I… I…." Tsuna sniffs.

" _For fuck's sake, stop crying!_ "

"I'm not crying!"

"Then melt the ice!"

"I… I can't!"

" _WHAT?!_ "

" _I don't know how?!_ "

" _How do you not know how?!_ "

" _I don't know, I don't come with an instruction manual! Do you see a Tsuna Sawada instruction manual, please turn to page 27, it'll tell you how to make him a competent, perfect son?! Well, let me know when you do, because I'd love to know! Then I can stop being useless and maybe I can protect my friends and stop my dad from being a total jerk and I won't have to talk to YOU and your stupid distracting face anymore!_ "

Silence. Nothing but the falling snow all around them, making Xanxus's cheeks tanned pink. Oh. _Oh_. Tsuna gulps. He didn't realize how close their faces are. Only a few breaths away from a kiss.

Nope. Don't think of that. Especially with a temperamental teenager who needs anger management classes.

Xanxus's face is unreadable now. Should Tsuna apologize? Not apologize?! It's sort of Tsuna's fault they're in this situation but he was trying to save Xanxus's life and it's a bit rude to keep threatening someone who doesn't want to be here and—

OhnoXanxusislaughing. Whatishappening, brainpleaseshutoff—

"Brat," Xanxus's words feel soft against Tsuna's cheek. "You've got some guts. Maybe I won't kill you so slowly."

Um. Tsuna wonders if it would be rude to look away from those soft eyes right now. He reviews the day's conversations his head. No, no, he should definitely look away…

"Maybe if I spit at you, it'll turn into snow and I'll win."

"… _What is wrong with you?!_ " Tsuna squeaks, half terrified and half _done with the world_. "Why would you _spit_ on someone?! Do you really want to rule the Vongola that badly?!"

Xanxus just looks at him. " _Yes_ ," he replies in a tone that screams _bitch, have you not been listening to my entire story arc_.

"They kill people!"

Xanxus scowls. "I'll kill you if you don't shut up."

"Do you realize that you've told me that over twenty times today?! I live with Reborn, it's not scary anymore!" Being pinned in the ice with another man will do that do you. "If you're going to kill me, you should have done that after the first five times you said that!"

"Just you wait, trash, when I'm free from this prison I'll make you regret this. _No one_ traps me like my old man, _no one_."

Maybe it's the hypothermia kicking in, but Tsuna scowls back. " _Make me_ ," he says, teeth chattering.

0

They spend the next long and mind-numbing half an hour yelling back insults and screaming whenever an insult repeats.

"Your mother probably doesn't know how to make fine Italian spaghetti!"

"Well you wouldn't know what an awesome curry tastes like, I bet you put tomatoes in it!"

" _You're_ a tomato!"

Tsuna's not sure why but "you're a tomato" suddenly feels like the most offensive things he's heard all day.

0

"… Your face sucks."

"…I know," Tsuna groans because he gives up. He really does. They've been stuck here for ages. He wonders if the Cervello know what's happening. Are there cameras in this snow dome? Will they just be stuck here until one of them starves and dies? Urgh, that will probably be Tsuna. He's smaller. Less body mass to decompose.

"Oi. Brat. Your turn to say something. That was _weak_ , as hell. At least call my hair a turkey's tail again. I dare you."

"Noooooo…" Tsuna groans. "Why do we have to be mean to each other? I'm tired of being mean. I'm tired."

"Well I'm not! I'm gonna keep going until I insult the rings from you! Ha!"

"Urgh… it's too cold to be mean…"

He can't feel his toes anymore. Or his hands. Or his neck really. Stupid ice. How are they not dead yet. How. Stupid magic Vongola witchy ice.

Xanxus literally headbutts Tsuna.

"Ow! What did you that for?! Ah, my nose…"

"Don't fall asleep! Get mean or whatever! Stay awake!"

"B-but…"

"When they try to shut you up, to smother you, you hold on to that anger and you let it burn until you _destroy_ your enemies, and you _make_ them remember what they did to you," Xanxus snarls so loudly that Tsuna almost feels the flames in Xanxus's eyes.

"U-um… okay… I…" Tsuna struggles to put sentences, to put _thoughts_ , together again. "Is this… is this what being frozen was like for you?"

Xanxus suddenly goes quiet.

Tsuna tries to imagine it. Being called someone's son after having no father for so long… and then having that taken away. What do you do after that? Who do you blame? And to be frozen for over an decade, losing all that time…

"…No wonder you're so angry…"

Xanxus's eyes narrow. "Don't you dare pity me…"

"…Your father is terrible."

Xanxus looks like broken glass. And then… he chuckles. So soft that Tsuna might have mistaken the sound for another snowfall.

"And water is wet. What else is new? Don't know why I'm bothering to get him pissed off anymore… I just wanted… Well. It doesn't matter, does it? We'll both freeze to death."

"Well, I'm smaller than you. I'll probably freeze first and you'll win. Good for you, right?"

"Don't make me bite you," Tsuna snorts at that, half expecting Hibari to burst in and kill them all for taking his line, "I ain't gonna accept winning through such a cowardly way. I either win the insult battle or sock you with a snowball or I don't win at all."

"Well," Tsuna smiles, feeling a little warm, "to be fair, you should probably win anyways. I don't even know why I'm here… I just wanted to make friends… not be a mafia boss… Didn't even know my family was part of the mafia till a few months ago…"

"…The fuck?! So you're basically a civilian?! You aren't slacking off on your training in the last fourteen years?! For fuck's sake, your father is the freaking CEDEF leader, he should have told you how to _defend_ yourself at least."

"…The last time I saw my dad was when I was six. Maybe eight. Then my mom told me he became a star and I literally thought he was dead," Tsuna deadpans.

"Well shit. _Your_ father is shit."

"Huh." Tsuna blinks. "Thank you. For saying that." It feels… nice, having someone acknowledge Iemitsu's nonexistent parenting skills. Sometimes, Tsuna wonders if the world is really listening to him. If he exists. It seems like everything he says get ignored or spun around into another tale. Maybe one day Tsuna will look in the mirror and he'll see someone he doesn't recognize has replaced him.

"Well it's obvious."

Tsuna shakes his head. "Not to my mom. I love her but… she's too forgiving of him. And I don't really like to talk about my dad with my friends… I mean, I just found out he was alive a month ago…"

"I could cut his toes off for you."

"Er… no thanks. But, um, thanks for the sentiment?" Tsuna hopes Xanxus won't kill him for that statement. Though he's doubting Xanxus's murder-y-ness now. Kind of hard to keep someone who calls him a tomato seriously anymore. Then again, they're both suffering from hypothermia probably by now. What they say can't be held against them.

Xanxus just huffs but Tsuna sees Xanxus's lips curve upwards.

"Heh. We should get back at them both. Shitty fathers like them shouldn't get away with that."

"Y-yeah!" Tsuna agrees, thinking more of Nono. Who freezes their adopted son for over ten years?! Honestly! "W-we should cut up their stupid clothes!"

"NO more pansy suits!"

"A-and replace their coffee with, with, um, lime juice!"

"TAKE their power away!"

"Uh, and, um," Tsuna's teeth chatter, "t-t-tell them w-we're m-more than they th-think we are! I won't be the Decimo! Heck, I'll even marry you! And then you can be Decimo and I can just knit hats for everyone! Hah! Try taking hitmen who wear wooly cat hats seriously now, Dad!"

Silence.

"Um… Xanxus? You there?" Tsuna looks down and nearly loses all breath at the intense stare he gets in return.

Suddenly he's reminded of just how distracting Xanxus's face is.

"…I'll take that proposal," Xanxus whispers.

Tsuna blushes so red that the ice around them bursts into pure sky flames.

The snow dome disappears just seconds after.

0

" _TENTH! Oh my god, TENTH!_ " Gokudera jumps on him out of no where. Hands flailing. "Are you alright?! Take my coat, you look freezing! I'm so sorry I was late, I was mastering this new technique and then I arrived and there was a giant igloo all over the school and the baseball idiot appeared out of no where and we waited hours but you didn't show up and I thought you died of frostbite and I should have been there, I'm so so sorry, _Tenth!_ "

"Uh," Tsuna blinks.

"Tsuna!" Yamamoto takes this opportunity to steal Tsuna away from Gokudera's hug into an embrace of his own. "Did you get him?"

"Er…" Tsuna looks at Xanxus, who still has a hand on Tsuna's shoulder. "I think I got married. Engaged. Maybe." His brain still needs to catch up from all that cold.

The levels of killing intent from earlier suddenly return. From Tsuna's friends, this time. Not the Varia.

"Wait." Tsuna blinks slowly, gazing up at Xanxus. "Are we really engaged or just drunk engaged, I can't tell…"

"Brat. If you take back your proposal now, I'll kill you," Xanxus growls, which Tsuna translates to _I tolerate you and somewhat like you which is the closest I can get to actually loving someone so yes._

This time, when the school explodes, it's mostly Yamamoto and Gokudera's faults. Reborn just video records the whole thing to send to Iemitsu and Nono.

0

"…By the way, you should know that I kidnapped Nono and have him held prisoner in that metal guy over there. Wanna tell him about the engagement first?"

"…Xanxus, what the hell."

0

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0

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0

* * *

END NOTES: And then Xanxus ruled the mafia with slightly less of an iron fist, because his husband Tsuna would not approve.

Everyone in the mafia is still too terrified to ask how their relationship works.

Tsuna and Xanxus don't know how it works either but it does and they wouldn't trade it for anything.


End file.
